Working with the betrayed relationship
Discovering betrayal in your relationship can feel like the ground has collapsed beneath you, but healing is possible. With the right support, guidance, and tools, couples can move through the pain of betrayal to build a new relationship grounded in honesty, safety, and real trust.
I will walk with you every step of that journey.
Full disclosure is the foundation of recovery. Once both partners share the same truth about what happened, the real healing work can begin. The betrayed partner gains the clarity needed to make informed decisions, while the betraying partner takes their first steps toward honesty and integrity. From this turning point, trust can slowly be rebuilt — one honest conversation at a time.
Healing Begins After Discovery & Disclosure
When the betrayer has learned to hold space for his partner they can walk through the 22 rooms of trauma. The disclosure is his time to tell what has happened in the basement. The 22 rooms are her time to tell her story of what has happened for her at the dining table, above the secret sexual basement. His work during this process is to hold space for her story and listen to her voice, so she can get her reality out into the world. It requires empathy for her and the capacity to sit and listen without getting into his own shame. I will prepare both partners for this important step and I will guide them though it.
Hearing her story
Walking through the 22 rooms
When the first wave of shock after the disclosure is over, the disclosure is delivered and she could tell her story through the 22 rooms, the real work of the healing for the relationship can begin. It is here that both partners can come to the table and talk about the pain, the shame, the disconnection, the fears, the needs and all the things that are standing in the way of building a safe and working relationship with trust and honesty.
It is a more dynamic and less structured work, because the couple will bring the things to the sessions that are not working. And together we find ways to solve those moments, behaviors and situations.
Deep repair and Healing work of the relationship
Dealing with the big Elephant in the room
Relationships Can Heal From Betrayal
The Long Road to Safety, Honesty, and a Stronger Bond
When the healing work is done (which actually will never completely be done!) both partners can start to look into the relationship and what it is they really need. They are starting to build a relationship in which both have a voice, in which both feel safe and in which both can grow and show up the way they are. We will look into the attachment needs and the things that are important for each of you.
Renewal of the bond
Here both partners learn to create a joint story. The betrayal will forever be part of their relationship and so will be the trauma of the betrayed partner. Together they start to create a joint story in which both of them can identify themselves as an active part. This step is important in creating a meaning and connection between the two partners.
Bringing the two realities together
This process is fundamental for the healing of the trauma. When the betrayer learns to hold space for his partner and her story, by sitting with her, listening with empathy, and tuning into her experience she will feel that her reality makes sense and together they can learn from this holding experience.
Holding her story
Understanding the trauma behind betrayal is central to healing. When the betrayed partner learns that her responses make complete sense, it brings real relief. And when the betrayer understands her symptoms, he can offer genuine support and begin to grasp the true impact of his actions.
Education about the trauma
I walk with you through the process of preparation and delivering of the therapeutic disclosure. If I work with the betrayer I will guide him through the preparation in a deep process that will help him respond to the why question. If I work with the betrayed partner I will help her stabilize and define all the questions she needs to be answered in terms of understanding what has happened.
Full therapeutic Disclosure
01/08
The first thing that we have to do is you reaching out to me and we organize a first half hour meeting. During that meeting you give me a brief overview of your situation, types of acting out, for how long did you act out, if you have given a full disclosure and what is your support system that you have. Based on that information we will create a therapy plan on which our work together will be based.
Where Are You in the Healing Process?
The process
02/08
In the early stage of healing, emotions run high and intense. I work with the couple to establish safety within the reality of the moment — whether that means a temporary separation, in-house boundaries, or agreed limits around contact and information. Every step is taken with the safety of the betrayed partner and the relationship in mind.
Symptom management
The process
03/08
Full therapeutic disclosure must happen before real healing can begin. It gives the betrayed partner complete access to the truth so both partners share the same reality. From that place, she can make informed decisions about the relationship and the boundaries she needs to feel safe.
Preparing for Full Disclosure
The process
04/08
During the betrayal the betrayer knew what was going on in the secret sexual basement, he had all the information about the reality. He was in a one up position. This position in general is connected to entitlement and an ongoing manipulation and integrity abuse. For the healing process it is fundamental that the betrayer is in one down position, to restore the disbalance of the relationship. And to learn to live with integrity and show up with empathy for his partner.
One down - one up?
The process
05/08
From my experience understanding trauma is one of the key tools in the whole healing process. It is important for both partners. For the betrayed partner to not feel crazy and for the betrayer to understand what is happening with his partner and how best show up for her and help her feel safe again. This step includes a lot of psycho-education that I will give you and help you understand what is happening with both of you.
Trauma work - how to show up for her
The process
06/08
This is one of the most significant steps in the healing process. The betrayer sits with his partner's reality, learning empathy, integrity, and how to hold her story with genuine remorse without shame or withdrawal. The betrayed partner finds her voice and begins to show up differently in the relationship. I will be there with both of you through every part of it.
Metabolizing the Reality of Betrayal
The process
07/08
The step that follows is the communication. My experience is that the communication between the two partners is not fluid and is not good because it often lacks integrity and honesty. The capacity to really listen to the partner is very limited and to step out of one's own way to hold space for the partner is very little seen in my work. I will work with the two of you and give you tools that help you have conversations and communications that matter to both of you and that create safety and connection and not push backs.
communicate with honesty
The process
08/08
The whole process ends with the construction of a relationship in which both of you will have their voice, where you have learned to communicate, where you both can have the difficult conversations and you still stay connected. You will reorganize your relationship into one that both of you have always wanted and because of lack of understanding and tools you were not able to build it.
Building a new relationship
The process
R & P
“Gundolf essentially saved us "
I
Gundolf essentially saved us when betrayal caused our marriage to hit rock bottom. He is a great listener, extremely compassionate, non judgmental and a skilled trauma informed practitioner.
NO
P. S. (betrayed partner)
“Finding Gundolf was a turning point in my life."
II
The warmth and non-judgemental understanding he brought into the room made me feel seen, supported and safe to face the aftermath of the betrayal that I have been exposed to.
NO
“He helped me to become honest with myself and my partner."
III
His approach helped me understand the deep rupture that my actions have produced within my relationship.
NO
N. K. (betrayer)
If your relationship has been facing betrayal and you are looking to turn the page around and build a safe relationship with each other, then reach out to me. I will walk with you through the process of the repair and healing of your hurt relationship.
start your healing journey?
Build the relationship you long for
The List
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