Working with the Betrayed Partner
Betrayal. Shock. Devastation. If you've just discovered your partner's infidelity or sex addiction and don't know where to turn, you're not alone, and you don't have to navigate this alone.
There's a way through the confusion, the overwhelming emotions, and the uncertainty, and it starts here.
The secret sexual basement your partner built is real. When you discover the secret sexual life your partner has been living, your first instinct is to find another explanation — any explanation — that makes this not true. But the painful reality is this: you have been living above a secret sexual basement that he built and maintained, and you had no idea it existed. That is not a small thing. That is a brutal truth. And it is a truth that has defined your relationship in ways you are only beginning to understand.
You do not have to face that reality alone. I will sit with you in that truth — however painful it is — and help you figure out what the next healthy steps forward look like for you. Together we will find a way to navigate this new reality, one step at a time.
Betrayal Is Real & So Is Your Pain
The reality is that you have been sitting above a secret sexual basement and that your partner has tried to hide it from you at any costs. That reality is not passed by you without harming and hurting and impacting you.
It has left a deep impact on you. It has left you with a deep trauma. Not any kind of trauma, complex trauma. The trauma that occurs when you have been exposed to situations over and over again - that in itself might not be traumatic. The sum of the repetitions creates the trauma. You are not crazy! You have trauma and that is the reality.
I will walk with you through the trauma and hold space for you, so you can process the trauma. Trauma is healed in safe social contexts. Therefore we have to create this safe context.
Part of my work is helping the betrayer create and hold a safe space for his partner, so she can come and process and heal her trauma with him. When I work with you, the holding of the safe space is on me, so you can come into the room and process what has happened to you and where you have been wounded and hurt.
You are not crazy!
Your Trauma is real.
After discovery, and often after disclosure, your whole world is shattered. The person at your side, the one you love and chose, is no longer someone you can trust. You do not know him anymore. You do not know what else he is capable of or what else he has done. Everything that once felt certain and clear has shifted in a single moment into a reality full of uncertainty. You have no idea where to go from here. Every step forward feels impossible and unsafe.
I will walk with you while you figure out what this new reality looks like for you. Together we will work on getting you back to a place where you feel safe, and where you understand what you need from a relationship going forward. That takes time, and it takes patience, and it takes learning to trust the process. I will be with you through all of it, helping you make sense of what is happening inside you and around you.
Let me help you get your feet back on the ground
All You Have Is Uncertainty
After understanding the trauma and receiving the full therapeutic disclosure the healing and repair work of the relationship can start. Part of that process is working together through the reality of the betrayal and the impact it has on the relationship and on both of you.
I will walk with you through this process of making sense out of all the emotions and painful moments. After eating and digesting the Elephant both can start to build something different for the future.
Finding Your Way Back
The disclosure is the piece of work that the betrayer, your partner, has to prepare and deliver and at the same moment it requires preparation on your side. It is one of the most impactful moments in the whole healing process and normally produces a lot of trauma as you are walking into the secret basement of your partner, you need to prepare for that moment, so the impact is less impactful.
the Full Therapeutic Disclosure
When you are in a place where the first big emotional wave is rolling back, we can start to look into the deep impact of betrayal. I will do that in the way that we walk together through the house with the 22 rooms of trauma. I will help you understand why the things that you are experiencing and the way you respond has a logic and makes a lot of sense.
Understanding your trauma through the 22 rooms
You are emotionally constantly on edge and you react in ways that are not how you normally do. I have heard quite often that betrayed partners in this phase say “that is not me, I do not know myself anymore”. I will walk with you through those waves of yours and guide you, because they make sense because they are a survival response to the reality of the betrayal that you just discovered and have to face.
Learning to ride the waves
Finding out that your partner has betrayed you, feels like a tsunami has run over you and your home. You are standing there and watching in disbelief at what has just happened to you and your life. You are so overwhelmed that you don’t have any idea of where to start and what is the next possible step. I will sit with you and sort through those first moments, which are so overwhelming.
Facing the Tsunami
Working through the trauma of Betrayal
I believe that there is life after the betrayal
- understanding of betrayal trauma
- analysis of the behaviors that drive addiction
- understanding and guidance about your attachment style
- helping you connect with and express your emotions in a relational manner
- tools to build a safe relationship
- guiding you towards becoming a man with integrity
What I bring to the table
Individual therapy includes:
- sex addiction
- betrayal trauma
- systemic therapy
- humanistic approach
- Minwalla model in Deceptive Sexuality Trauma
- family therapy with Virginia Satir
I bring experience in the fields of:
01/08
The first thing that we have to do is you reaching out to me and we organize a first half hour meeting. During that meeting you give me a brief overview of your situation, what has happened and for how long and if you have received a full disclosure by your partner and what is your support system that you have at this moment.
First Contact
The process
02/08
The first thing after I got an understanding of where you are in the whole process is to make sure that you have your personal safety net installed. This will include your individual professional that helps you walking through the process (that can be me), your friends and family members which you trust and that are available to you 24/7.
Other professionals that might be of help like a group facilitator where you can sit with other betrayed partners and be held.
Building your safety net
The process
03/08
During this step I will give you information about the symptoms of trauma and why you respond in a certain (actually very healthy) way. I will help you understand why your emotions go up and down. I will sit with you through this process which very often feels very overwhelming.
Understanding Your Trauma
The process
04/08
Your safety has not been given throughout the betrayal and it has a priority in my work with you. Figuring out what are the things you need to feel safe around your partner, who by himself is in a change and learning process.
We will talk about healthy boundaries for you and what are possible consequences when they are violated. I will help you through this step with my experience of working with betrayed partners and what I have learned from them.
Rebuilding Your Safety
The process
05/08
I often hear betrayed partners say “this is not me, I am normally not so responsive or aggressive, I do not know myself anymore”.
While you are in a trauma stage your emotions go up and down. I will help you learn to ride the waves of emotions that are running through your body. They all make a lot of sense and the better you understand the message behind them, the better you can deal with them.
Learning to ride your emotional waves
The process
06/08
Betrayal wounds three core layers of self: your relationship with your body ("am I attractive enough?"), your identity as a woman and mother ("am I enough?"), and your sexuality ("am I desirable, and what do I do with my sexuality now?"). These are deeply tender areas we'll explore together in our work — and if it ever feels more comfortable to process these intimate layers with a female therapist, I'm happy to connect you with a trusted colleague.
Understanding the impact of the betrayal on the deeper level
The process
07/08
One of the biggest outcomes of long term betrayal is that the betrayed partners find themselves in a relationship where they do not have a voice.
They have learned to not say anything so the situation does not escalate, plus their reality has been constantly manipulated to the benefit of covering up the secret sexual basement. They have to learn to trust their gut feelings again and find a voice that is relational. Walking through that path of exploration is part of what we will do together.
Reclaiming your voice
The process
08/08
Walking through the 22 trauma rooms is an essential part of the healing process. Understanding the many layers of trauma the betrayed partner has been exposed to and the deep impact it has on her.
Walking through those rooms can happen in an individual context, more healing and impactful it will be, when the betrayer is an active listener to her story. The 22 rooms are the place where she tells her story and where he listens. For me it is the other part of the healing process which starts with the full disclosure, where he tells his story.
walking through the 22 trauma rooms
The process
R & P
“Gundolf essentially saved us "
I
Gundolf essentially saved us when betrayal caused our marriage to hit rock bottom. He is a great listener, extremely compassionate, non judgmental and a skilled trauma informed practitioner.
NO
P. S. (betrayed partner)
“Finding Gundolf was a turning point in my life."
II
The warmth and non-judgemental understanding he brought into the room made me feel seen, supported and safe to face the aftermath of the betrayal that I have been exposed to.
NO
“He helped me to become honest with myself and my partner."
III
His approach helped me understand the deep rupture that my actions have produced within my relationship.
NO
N. K. (betrayer)
There is still a little hope within you? Take this little plant of hope and contact me so that we can start sorting through all of the chaos that surrounds you and that you feel inside of you. Write me a message so that we can make your first appointment towards your healing. I am looking forward to hearing from you.
start your healing journey?
To get beyond the pain
The List
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