Working with the Betrayer
Secrets. Betrayal. Shame. If you're hiding a part of yourself from your partner and don't know how to stop, you're not alone — and you don't have to stay stuck. There's a path to honesty, trust, and a life you're no longer afraid of.
The first thing you must do is accept and name the secret life you've been living, one that only you have known about. You created it, perhaps long before you met your partner, and you maintained it, keeping it hidden from your partner and family. In naming it, your healing journey begins, because you are starting to take responsibility for your actions.
I will climb down with you into that basement. Together we will look around and shine a light on everything that happened there. We will build a plan to help you stay on the ground floor, stop the manipulative behavior toward your partner, and prepare for the moment you walk back down, this time with her beside you, giving her full access to the secret life you lived.
The Reality You've Been Avoiding
Your personal iceberg, like that of most betrayers, has on its deepest layer trauma, from your childhood and upbringing by your family, the school and the society. And when I say trauma I am not talking about massive abuse, I talk about those little disqualifying comments about you, your body, sexuality or expectations towards you of being a man. For the healing it is key to understand this deepest level of your own story.
I will dive with you down your iceberg and we look together at your story and we will make sense out of it and bring it to the surface so you can work with it from an adult place. So you can heal that hurt part and you can create healthy behaviors and responses around it. Healthy behaviors that no longer require addictive behaviors or acting out and hurting your partner and your relationship.
Complex Trauma Shaping
Why did you become an addict?
Dr. Minwalla talks about a two-part-problem. One problem is the physical acting out, the engaging in sexual behavior with the purpose of soothing the nervous system and protecting you from the pain of your life story. It is the addictive behavior that drives the betrayer. The other problem is the integrity abuse behavior, all the tools the betrayer uses to cover up the secret sexual life he is living. It’s main intention is to protect his addictive behavior from being exposed by the partner.
My work with you includes facing those two problems by creating a structured plan with easy to use tools, to create awareness around the behaviors you show. I will work with you step by step through this process. If you do your homework - outside of our sessions - you will very soon see an awareness building inside of you and with that the possibility to take healthy decisions and actions for you and with that for your relationship.
The basement & everything you did to hide it
The two part problem
Behind your acting out are deep wounds and a distorted understanding of what it means to be a man. This is deep, courageous work. I will create the safe space. You bring the courage. Together we will uncover who you really are and what you truly want from your life.
Personal Iceberg Work
Your behavior has caused deep trauma in your partner. Helping her heal begins with delivering a full therapeutic disclosure. I will guide you through this step by step, giving her the complete truth about your acting out, while at the same time helping you develop a deeper understanding of your own behavior and the trauma that drives it.
Disclosure Preparation
The first step is getting off the addiction treadmill. I will work with you on a personalized plan to help you achieve sobriety through a cognitive behavioral approach grounded in the latest neuroscience on addiction. Put in the work and you will leave your addictive behavior behind for good.
Becoming and Staying Clean
The work of becoming a safe partner
You Can Become the Best Version of Yourself
Understanding the 22 trauma rooms is a key part of the healing process. I will walk you through the different injuries your partner carries as a result of the betrayal she has experienced. This work helps you sit with her pain, understand its depth, and grasp why becoming the best version of yourself matters so much to her and to your relationship.
The 22 Trauma Rooms
Healing your relationship means sitting with your partner, holding space for her, and listening to the pain your actions caused. Together you will face the elephant in the room, name it, and begin to digest the full reality of the past. From that process comes the possibility of building something new, a relationship grounded in safety, honesty, integrity, and genuine curiosity for one another.
Mountain Work with Your Partner
- understanding of betrayal trauma
- analysis of the behaviors that drive addiction
- understanding and guidance about your attachment style
- helping you connect with and express your emotions in a relational manner
- tools to build a safe relationship
- guiding you towards becoming a man with integrity
What I bring to the table
Individual therapy includes:
- sex addiction
- betrayal trauma
- systemic therapy
- humanistic approach
- Minwalla model in Deceptive Sexuality Trauma
- family therapy with Virginia Satir
I bring experience in the fields of:
01/07
Reach out and we will organize a first 30-minute meeting. You give me a brief overview of your situation, the nature of your acting out, how long it has been going on, whether a disclosure has been given, and what your current support system looks like.
This conversation sets the foundation for everything that follows.
First Contact
The process
02/07
Early in our work I will give you a clear picture of what trauma looks like, why your partner reacts the way she does, and what you can do to help her feel safe when she is activated.
This understanding is one of the most important tools I can give you and I introduce it early because it changes everything about how you show up for her.
Understanding Her Trauma
The process
03/07
We will build your personalized sobriety plan. You will work through a set of assessments that tackle your unhealthy behaviors and from there we create a blueprint for your daily self check-in.
The worksheets you complete outside of our sessions will give you a deeper understanding of what is happening to you on both a cognitive and emotional level.
Becoming & Staying Sober
The process
04/07
The disclosure is one of the most important moments in the healing process for both of you. It is the moment you open the door to your secret sexual basement, walk downstairs with your partner, turn on the lights, and show her everything.
I will guide you through every step of preparing, writing, and delivering a full therapeutic disclosure.
The Disclosure
The process
05/07
As we prepare your disclosure, we begin to go deeper into your own story. Together we will surface the moments in your life that were difficult, the beliefs you picked up about being a man, about sexuality, about yourself, that contributed to your acting out.
These things will rise naturally to the surface and I will walk with you through each one as they appear.
Your Personal Iceberg Work
The process
06/07
This is the work of truly witnessing your partner's pain. Normally walked through as a couple, your partner holds the talking stick and tells her story, the full impact of the betrayal she has lived through.
You and I are the active listeners, the witnesses to her experience. Showing up for this with genuine empathy requires preparation and I will make sure you have the tools to hold that space with courage and presence.
The 22 Trauma Rooms
The process
07/07
With the 22 rooms behind you, the real work of rebuilding begins. I will help you show up with honesty, transparency, and authenticity.
We will work on proactive communication, dropping entitlement, tuning in to your partner, and learning to speak reality rather than manipulate it. The goal is a relationship that is genuinely safe and healthy for both of you, one where you show up as the man you have always wanted to be.
Mountain Work
The process
R & P
“Gundolf essentially saved us "
I
Gundolf essentially saved us when betrayal caused our marriage to hit rock bottom. He is a great listener, extremely compassionate, non judgmental and a skilled trauma informed practitioner.
NO
N. K. (betrayer)
“Finding Gundolf was a turning point in my life."
II
The warmth and non-judgemental understanding he brought into the room made me feel seen, supported and safe to face the aftermath of the betrayal that I have been exposed to.
NO
“He helped me to become honest with myself and my partner."
III
His approach helped me understand the deep rupture that my actions have produced within my relationship.
NO
The List
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